One of the biggest misconceptions I encounter in my work is the belief that assertiveness and aggression are the same thing.
I’ll often hear someone say: “They were very assertive with me.”
When I ask them to tell me more, they describe someone who was raising their voice, interrupting them, insisting on getting their own way and behaving in a dismissive or domineering way.
What they’re describing isn’t assertiveness.
It’s aggression.
The confusion matters because it prevents many people from becoming more assertive themselves.
I’ve worked with countless individuals who say:
“I don’t want to come across as pushy.”
“I don’t want people to think I’m difficult.”
“I’m worried I’ll sound aggressive.”
As a result, they remain silent when they need to speak up, avoid difficult conversations and put the needs of others ahead of their own.
- Assertiveness is not about winning.
- It is not about being louder.
- It is not about getting your own way.
Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully, while recognising that other people have thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries too.
Aggression says: “My needs matter more than yours.”
Passivity says: “Your needs matter more than mine.”
Assertiveness says: “Both of our needs matter.”
That is a very different mindset.
When someone is truly assertive, they can disagree without being disagreeable.
They can set boundaries without being rude.
They can have difficult conversations without damaging relationships.
In fact, some of the most assertive people I know are also the calmest.
They don’t need to dominate a conversation because they are comfortable expressing themselves honestly and respectfully.
Perhaps it’s time that aggressive behaviour is no longer misunderstood and labelled as assertiveness?
The distinction matters.
Because when we understand what assertiveness really is, we give ourselves permission to communicate with greater confidence, clarity and respect.
And that benefits everyone.
With warmest wishes,
Korinne Le Page
Thrive Coaching & Training – Empowering You to Thrive!
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